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Hilary With One L

Hilary With One L

Hilary With One L

Hilary

Bustin’ Loose

It’s about 7:45 and everyone is in bed. Of course, after I’ve come back downstairs, there is always some settling, a few more trips to the bathroom and an occasional search for a stuffed animal that has little feet skittering across the floors above.  The night was no exception.  C calls downstairs, to me, “Mom, V is trying to get out of the crib!”

My buns were just about to hit the chair so that I could eat my rapidly cooling dinner.  Another jog up 15 stairs to wrangle with V just wasn’t going to happen.  “Just go to sleep!” I bellowed back up the stairs at C, hoping that the footsteps I heard would peter out in a few minutes.  A few minutes more became 15 minutes and then I heard the closet door in the girls room open. More footsteps and some mysterious bumps followed.  I couldn’t ignore it any more.  What in the world were they doing up there?

Up the stairs I went. I crossed the threshold to see C face down on the bed, softly snuffling into her pillow.  I look to my right, where there crib is, and there’s V.

Beside the crib.

“Hi,” she says, her pacifier wedged in the corner of her mouth like a gangster’s cigar.

“Hi,” I say, my brow furrowing in question as I wonder why C took her sister out of the crib and left her to her own devices.  I hoisted her up and dropped her unceremoniously back into the crib.  “Go to bed,” I said very firmly, tucking her in with some toys and her lovey.

Back down the stairs I went,  hoping to get the remainder of my dinner down my throat before the clock rolled on to half past eight.  I sat down, put my napkin in my lap and heard the pitter pattering of feet over my head. Again.

My patience hadn’t dimmed, it’d been snuffed out spectacularly, and I took to the stairs.

Up the stairs I went, two at a time.  When I get to the girls’ room, this is what I saw — and I’m including a picture of the scene of the crime so you can put it in perspective.

IMG_3495

V is standing in the middle of the room on the rug.  She starts at my approach. She is the visual equivalent of the word “Busted!”.   With wide eyes and sharp breath of “Oh!” She scrambles forward to the rocking chair foot rest and gains purchase. From the footrest, she catapults herself to the rocking chair itself. Using the arms of the chair for leverage, she hoists herself up and onto the edge of the crib, swings one leg over, then the other, sliding onto the mattress.

She turns to me, pacifier clenched in the corner of her mouth and says, in a this-whole-thing-was-probably-a-bad-idea-but-too-late-now kind of voice,  “Ta-da!”

And just like that, it clicks into place that C had no parts of V standing beside the crib. She did that herself; C was just crying out fair warning and I was too focused on chow time to heed her.  So V’s spidey senses are kicking in and she’s Cirque Du Soleil-ing in and out of the crib any time she feels like it.  Third child and I’ve never considered a crib tent before, but I’m starting to price them out on Amazon.

On the other hand, if I cultivate these gymnastic feats, we could have a future Dominique Dawes or Gabby Douglas in the making.  . . .I’m just saying. . . #scholarship

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IN: ON: December 5, 2014 TAGS: funny stuff, growing up, motherhood, my girls, winter BY: Hilary
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A December to Remember

 

 

The first of December.  Another month of experiences behind us and another month of possibilities laid out before us. I can’t help but marvel at how we got here.  I mean, I know how we got here.  The sun rises, the sun sets, the world turns and the days pass.  This year, however, has moved rapidly, hurriedly, late for an unknown cosmic appointment.

Usually, when back to school starts, the calendar ramps up with activities.  This was true for me again this year.  What was different this year, though, was the urgency that settled over everything as we moved from September and into October.  Maybe I should point a finger at the retailers who began bringing out sleigh bells and jingle bells in advance of Halloween.  Seeing red and green trimmings already available for purchase when it was still October was off-putting.  It set off an internal metronome that tick-tocked in the background as the days grew shorter and the months drew to a close. I have been feeling like I’ve gotta get stuff done! I gotta take care of this! Countdown clocks abound and I don’t even remember signing up to participate.

I clearly remember the beginning of November. I kind of remember the middle. I definitely remember the last five days; Thanksgiving and the associated family fun days that lasted well into the final throes of the 30th, bringing us to today.  The last five days felt like we were trying wring out every last bit of fall, every last bit of November, and at the same time, bring in December, Christmas and the holiday season while we were of a mind and inclination to do so.

Thanksgiving was quiet. Just us and my in-laws with more food that anyone knew what to do with. My contribution this year was pie.

Gingery Apple Walnut Crumb Pie

Pie was what I wanted to eat, so pie is what I made.  After dinner that included steaks, crab legs, a ham, collard greens, salad and rice and peas, I had just enough room for a slice of each of the pies I made.

And some ice cream.

And a little bit of wine.

And a little bit more ice cream.

I even went so far as to freeze the remaining halves of the pies so I wouldn’t be tempted to pick a little, pick a little, pick a little over the course of the week-end.  Of course, I spent the rest of the week-end thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it.

In those in between times, the Hubs I played board games with the girls — Beat the Parents, Life –, watched football, read books, and lounged around.  Once the girls were down for the night, but before we lost ourselves in our iPads, we played a Phase 10 and talked copious amounts of trash in the process.  Okay, I talked copious amounts of trash, but it had to be done seeing as I was beaten handily every time we sat down to play.  Those other minutes and hours? I lost many of them to “The Walking Dead” on Netflix.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been shook and hooked at the same time. There was serious watching going on because I’m about 4 episodes shy of being all caught up on the seasons.  Yeah, it’s bad. . . but it’s so good. And I can admit it, Rick & Co. are the main reason I sleep with one eye open  (’cause you know. . .zombies).

Sunday afternoons, especially in the fall,  make me a little sad melancholy. Maybe it’s season affective disorder, maybe it’s daylight savings. Maybe it’s knowing it’ll be a full five days before the week-end and all of it’s busyness comes around again. Knowing that the week-end moments of not being beholden to the routine are coming to an end, even for just a few days, make me a little sad.  And I can admit that I already start missing the Hubs before he’s even left for the week .  That plays a part in it a bit, too.

Yesterday afternoon at about 4pm, the sun was slipping across the sky into the west, the game was on the TV.  Our Christmas tree was up, lighted and partially decorated.  The wreath had been hung and the candles were in the windows.  I watched the girls chase each other around the living room while the Hubs queued up some Bing Crosby on Pandora as he set to unwrapping ornaments.  I was struck by the simplicity, by the wholesomeness of the whole moment and by the fact that it felt like the calm before the storm.

In addition to the general feelings of “bleh” and “meh”, this past Sunday had a finality about it that I couldn’t put my finger on.  I’m not anticipating any great life changing events  – no marriages, deaths, moves, births or anything — in the next 31 days. It’s just that on the last Sunday of the month of November,  it felt like a the last good breath we were going to take before sprinting through the holiday season. I wouldn’t call it the push to the finish line for 2014. I’ve been moving at a good clip all year. I haven’t hit the wall, but I’ve got this anticipation going into the final stretch that has me wanting to put my head down and dig it out to the end.

That’s not a good way to go into the holiday season. I want to enjoy the holidays, enjoy my family and friends, look forward to what the new year has in store.  I don’t know if I’m alone in this feeling, but I do know that I have a choice whether or not to let it color my experiences.  I’m hoping to color them in reds and greens, silvers and golds and maybe a little Tiffany blue and white come the 25th.

I think of that commercial imploring us all to “Make it a December to Remember” and I plan to, for all the right reasons.  I’m hoping to take the girls on a light tour. We’re going to see Santa this week-end.  Our tree is up and the stockings are hung with their lists stuffed inside. I’m toying with the idea of baking Christmas cookies provided I can unclench my teeth/hands/butt long enough to give up control of the cleanliness of my kitchen for a little while.   I’ve already decided we’re having Chinese food for Christmas dinner. I’ve got a new nephew to shop for this holiday.  I also know that if I don’t do any of these things, that’s okay, too.  Like many others, I post pictures of our goings-on onto Instagram and Facebook. It’s easy to get caught up in sharing that you lose out on the actual doing.  There are times when I’ve been so busy deciding between Hudson and Valencia, I didn’t really get to enjoy myself.  I’m all for capturing moments for posterity, but at what cost? I’m already feeling like I can’t catch my breath.

Whatever I do (or not do) this year is alright.  I’m going to move through this month at my own pace, wrapped in good intentions, breathing evenly and calmly, enjoying each breath as it comes so when it comes time to say goodbye to December, I can do so without wondering where did it all go.

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IN: ON: December 1, 2014 TAGS: honesty, sharing, the things you do, venting, winter BY: Hilary
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recipes

Recipe Friday: Clean Eating & CrockPot Steel Cut Oatmeal

After 400 days. . . .yes, FOUR HUNDRED . . .using the My Fitness Pal app, I cracked.  I’d had enough tracking. I’d had enough of eating the same meals or variations of the same meals day after day after day.  I went rogue.

It was a glorious three of weeks of just eating with reckless abandon.  No counting portion sizes. No counting calories. No counting my water intake. I ate when I was hungry. I drank what I wanted, when I wanted to.  Sure I ate my same ol’ boring breakfasts and lunches, but if I wanted a cupcake, I ate it! Another glass of wine? Why not?  Should we get some fries at lunch? Bring ’em on.

After a while, though, I realized that I wasn’t feeling that great.  I was tired. My pants were a little snug, despite my daily check-ins at the gym.  I wasn’t sleeping well at all.  I decided to get back on track with My Fitness Pal.  Re-entry was a little tough, but three days make a habit, and soon I was back in the fold of recording my meals.  A few days later, a girlfriend of mine said that she was going to do a 7 Day Clean Eating Challenge to get herself back on track.  She thought I might be interested in joining her.  I saw the words “clean eating” and thought, nope. No. And again . . .nope.

I’d like to think that while I’m not bellying up to the trough on a regular basis (with the exception of those 3 weeks of course), I eat pretty well.  I know it’s not “clean” — I fry stuff. I use white foods.  I use regular salt and sugar.  Still, I didn’t really want to peel away anything else from what I was already doing.  Nor did I want to add any more fruits and veggies.  I’m a picky eater; I like what I like and that’s about it.  To try to incoroporate more clean foods — or any clean foods — was going to take some doing.  I couldn’t even think about getting Snap, Crackle and Pop on board with it.  Still, I was intrigued by it.

So, on Sunday, I had my “last meal”, and woke up on Monday ready to get down to business.  Thankfully, the challenge was moderated by someone who has subscribed to the clean eating lifestyle for a while.  This woman really knows her stuff.  In additon to daily motivational check-ins, she provided exercises, nutritional information videos, meal planning ideas, and encouraged the participants to keep a dialogue going of how they progressed over the week.

I used one of her meal planning guides to help me through the ensuing seven days.  I needed something definitive so that there would be no question of what to do when and no opportunity to go off the rails.  This clean eating plan had me eating meals at 7, 12, and 5 with snacks at 10, 3, and 8.  I adjusted my personal timetable accordingly and got down to it.  Monday morning, I selected several options from the breakfast choices, bypassed by morning cup of joe in favor of some water and kept it moving.  I had a good start to the day, but I was starting to get some hunger pangs way before my designated snack time. I filled up on water.  Lunch time came around and I made some minor modifications to what I had been regularly eating.  I was feeling pretty good about how things were going.  Dinner was the same thing.  The first day was in the books and I was strutting around, having knocked it out of the park.

Then Tuesday came.

I woke up ravenous.  I’m surprised I didn’t mistake my pillow for a marshmallow during the night.  Breakfast felt like an appetizer and my mid-morning snack became my personal white whale.  I filled up on water and practically sweated it all out at the gym.  My work-out had been great, but my stomach was protesting.  I felt a serious cranky coming on and attributed it to low blood sugar.  Thankfully, snack time rolled around — what am I? A pre-schooler?) and I was able to make it through to the end of the day.

Wednesday was better. I had found my stride and drew upon my Type A personality to help me prep and plan meals and snacks.  My purse had little baggies of almonds and hard boiled eggs.  The fridge had pre-portioned servings of fruit and vegetables.  I even made tuna fish using avocado instead of mayonaise.  I was really doing it!

Thursday, I was to meet a friend for lunch at a local restaurant and almost cancelled.  I didn’t think I’d be able to keep this good thing going in the face of a menu that had items like “Fried Green Tomato BLT” and “Southern Short Rib Pie”.  I grabbed my big girl panties off the shelf and dealt with it.  Mixed fields greens with grilled chicken, dressing on the side, no croutons.  I felt like Sally Albright, but no matter.  I navigated a meal out and stuck to the plan relatively well.

By Friday, some of the new changes had become habits and I was looking forward to having certain things that I would not have imagined the week prior.  Sure, there were a few fails — quinoa is forever banned from my kitchen — but there were lots of wins, like chicken salad made with avocado, Greek yogurt, lime juice and cilantro.  I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back at my success thus far.  I wanted to celebrate! So I did.

with a steak.

and fries.

and wine.

Imagine that you’re a child whose drawn on the walls. Your parent spends an inordinate amount of time scrubbing those walls in order to restore them to their unmarred condition.  You, you cheeky little monkey, celebrate your parents’ hard work by drawing a celebratory pastiche on the aforementioned walls.  Describe for me how your parent might react.

Basically, when you have cleaned something and then you gunk it back up, there are going to be repercussions. In my case, there were digestive repercussions, along about 3 o’clock in the morning.  I was crawling to the bathroom, vowing to eat clean for the rest of my life if the cramping in my stomach would just stop.  I made it through the tummy troubles and got back on the wagon the next day.  I finished the challenge strong, losing a few pounds, a few inches, and gaining a little definition around my middle.  It’s been about a week since I finished the challenge, but I’d say I’m eating about 75% of my meals like I’m still on it.

I had snap peas and baby carrots for a mid morning snack today! And they were good!

The best meals I had were breakfast, actually.  I think I’m late to the steel cut oatmeal party, but better late than never.   The recipe below is not a “clean eating” version — for that you’d have to omit the sugar and butter.  I’ve had both, the one below and the clean version with a touch of honey and they’re both delicious.

Eating clean is not as difficult as I thought. There were some points during the challenge where I would have preferred to eat something else, but I actually started to look forward to my breakfast and snacks. While I don’t know if I’m ready to go all in with clean eating 100%, I think I can keep some of these good habits in play for the long term.  I’m going to have to figure out a way to work some lean beef into the equation without wreaking havoc on my stomach. 

Happy Friday, y’all!

 

via

Crockpot Steel Cut Oatmeal

(via)

Ingredients

  • 1 cup Steel Cut Oats (Not Regular Rolled Oats)
  • 4 cups Water
  • ½ cups Milk
  • ¼ cups Brown Sugar
  • 1 Tablespoon Butter
  • ½ teaspoons Vanilla
  • ½ teaspoons Cinnamon

Preparation

1. Combine ingredients in a crock pot.

2. Plug crock pot in.

3. Cook on low for 8 hours!

Your house smells so delicious in the morning, and you get to sleep in an extra five minutes, because your breakfast is READY!

Many add-ins are possible: chocolate chips, flaxseed, honey, nutmeg, grated apple, cherries, peanut butter, cranberries. Let me know what your favorite add-in is!

 

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IN: recipes ON: November 14, 2014 TAGS: baking, cooking, fall, feel good, food, om nom nom, recipes, sharing BY: Hilary
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projects & DIY

DIY Fall Wreath or How I Spent My Tuesday Night

The Hubs travels for work during the week, leaving me with lots of minutes without any adult interaction.  After a day filled with running to and from school, lessons, grocery stores and the like, I get the children bathed, fed and in the bed with a precision that makes the military take notes.  This, however, has lead to a persistent problem that once the house is settled and quiet, I have just enough energy to flip over to the Property Brothers and do very little else.

I’m trying to break myself out of that habit, with moderate success.  Part of the problem was that after the girls would tuck in, so would I — a little dessert, a little glass of wine, and the next thing I know, it’s 10pm.  Apropos of nothing — not even the tightening of my waistband — I decided that my nightly routine was going to change.  While I couldn’t just leave the kids unattended for a quick run, nor did I want to try to jump-start my brain into doing tasks that are best reserved for when I’m in top mental form (hello, mornings with coffee), I decided to get crafty.

I’m a creative person and derive a real sense of satisfaction from making something out of nothing.  Some projects come easier to me than others, but I do love a challenge.  I decided that I wanted to add some pops of color to the house for fall, never mind that Christmas decorations are already available in most stores and fall is about to be officially over in a matter of weeks.

I decided I would make a wreath. Growing up, my mom could take some pine-cones, a few sprays of hydrangeas, a couple of sprigs of greenery and before you could say “Fall Foliage”, she’d have crafted a beautiful wreath or centerpiece.  I had a glue gun, an A.C. Moore rewards card and half a dozen Pinterest ideas: I was to step into her crafting shoes.

Tuesday afternoon, armed with my list of supplies and a fist full of coupons, I hit the craft stores, tossing items into the cart like Supermarket Sweep.  I gave myself an hour to get what I needed and get out.  That was more than enough time to choose my items, check-out and still be on time for pick-up.  Besides, I’m comfortable in the craft store, so I knew I didn’t have to run up and down aisles looking for things, or seeking out store clerks who are crabbing their way to the exits for their smoke breaks.

My list had 5 items on it.

I came home with twice that and then some.

The problem was, I had narrowed down my Pinterest pins to two wreaths.  They were very similar and I decided to blend the elements that I liked best from each.  That meant spending an inordinate amount of time in the floral department looking for sprigs, sprays, and other accoutrements to coordinate with this melded vision.  Tickety-tock went the clock and I just clotheslined the shelf into the cart and boogied out of there.

The boogieing didn’t stop there — I got the kids in the car, we ran some errands, we came home. They did homework, piano, read library books.  I sent them upstairs to bathe.  They came downstairs for dinner.  They ate and I cleaned up the detritus from the afternoon. I sent them upstairs to get ready for bed.  They came down, pj’s sticking to them where they forgot to dry off from their baths,  for dessert.  They ate dessert and I cleaned up the detritus from bath time.  I sent them upstairs to brush their teeth. They came down for more hugs and kisses. I sent them upstairs for tuck-ins.  They came down for to remind me to come upstairs for tuck-ins. This bedtime routine has more steps than the tarantella, but finally, we got heads in beds and butts between sheets.

I finished up the remaining household chores that needed my attention before turning to my bag o’crafts.  This was the turning point in the evening.  Do I reach for the remote or do I reach for the glue gun? I looked at my watch: 9:25pm.
Crap.

But, I was already committed, so I spread out my wares and got to work.

I made it about 45 minutes — the time it took me to cover that 9″ letter D in jute twine — before packing it all up and calling it a night. Still, it was very relaxing and faintly hypnotic, sitting on the floor, glue gun at my hip, wrapping, wrapping, wrapping jute twine over the curves of that wooden letter.  I went to bed that night with the sent of hot glue in my nostrils.

Wednesday was another hit the ground running type of day.  My big girls get out a little early on Wednesdays so I had to be judicious with my time if I wanted to get everything done.  I woke up wanting to work on my wreath. I had this overwhelming urge to finish it and hang it immediately.  The satisfaction that comes with the successful completion of a craft is pretty powerful. I can see why and how Martha Stewart built an empire.

I burned through my work-out that morning, hit the dry cleaners, the library, the bank and the grocery store in record time. I got V fed and down for her nap giving me an hour to work on the wreath before having to rouse her for the afternoon second round.  I spread out my materials, plugged in my glue gun and got down to business. With “Measure twice, cut once” pinging around in my head, I started to place my foliage, my letter, and my ribbons around the wreath.  I arranged and re-arranged. I snipped and clipped.   I went through an entire 15ft roll of burlap ribbon before deciding not to use it as a bow like I had originally planned, but to weave it around the wreath for added dimension.  As the clock marched towards pick up time, I was both frustrated and exhilarated.  Frustrated because I was enjoying myself and didn’t want to stop.  Exhilarated because I was enjoying myself and didn’t want to stop.  I knew that even if I didn’t finish the wreath that afternoon, I could work on it that evening.  Overwhelmingly, though, was the desire to finish it, hang it and admire it in the daylight hours.

You can guess which option I chose.

 

When I hung my wreath upon the door, stepped back to admire my work, I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back.  Victory is mine!

Wednesday night, the girls and I did our usual bedtime pas de deux. I showed them the wreath before they went upstairs and was met with completed incredulity.

C: You made that? You? Made that?

M: Really? No, seriously. Really?

I texted a picture of the wreath to my mom:

IMG_3285

I spent Thursday and Friday re-potting some mums to strategically place on the front stoops along with several pumpkins.  Saturday, I cleaned inside the house, and decided to repaint the powder room at 9;45 in the evening (#epicfail). Sunday, found me back on Pinterest, looking at old boards for some decorating ideas for the aforementioned powder room.  The Hubs was home and saved me from myself (and the coat of Stonington Gray that was everywhere except the walls).

Now it is Monday and the Hubs on the road once again.  Dancing With the Stars will be on this evening and I can feel myself sliding back into the evening routine of sloth, the cold, curve of the plastic remote in my hand.

Better get on Pinterest and see what I can find.  Christmas is coming, afterall.

 

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IN: projects & DIY ON: October 27, 2014 TAGS: arts and craps, crafts, DIY, fall, instagram, photos, pinterest, projects BY: Hilary
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Luxury or Blessing?

*disclaimer*  I really struggled with writing this post.  I read a very thought provoking article and accompanying comments, which could fill a book or two.   I was inspired to write my own thoughts about what I read.   When I played the voice memo I had used to capture my talking points, I realized that I was simultaneously supporting and contradicting the author.  I agreed in some areas and disagreed in others.  I couldn’t find the balance of what I wanted to say. I almost wrote, “Hey here’s an article that I think you all should read!” and just posted that. . .which in hindsight may not have been such a bad idea.

“Being a Stay-At-Home-Parent Is a A Luxury to Your Spouse.”

Normally, a loaded headline like that and I’m clicking onto the next article.  This particular day, however, I was deep into my feelings of angst and all but stood up in my chair, like a guest on Jerry Springer, “Yeah, that’s right! That’s right!” jabbing my index finger in the air to some unseen perpetrator of injustice.

Let me back up.

Like many married people with children, my husband and I have fallen into certain roles in our homes.  He is the primary financial provider. I am the primary domestic provider.  We didn’t sit down and assign tasks to one another; we slipped into these roles as we grew in our marriage and into parenthood.

The aforementioned article begans by the author, Chaunie Brusie, commenting on an article that she read discussing the trouble stay-at-home parents have when asked “What do you do all day?”  This questions raises hackles for a number of stay-at-home moms (myself included) — and before I go any further, I know that that are stay-at-home dads as well.  For the sake of this post, I’m using SAHM for brevity, but it does includes SAHDs.  In any event, Brusie read on through the article, sifting through comments until she found one that read:

“I work full time, and my husband is a stay at home dad. We have two kids in school full day (8 to 3). Don’t you realize how much easier it is to hold a full time job when you have someone home with the kids? I can work late and travel when I need to and not worry about the kids. Our weekends are spent relaxing, instead of racing around to get errands and chores done. I can go back to work on Mondays having actually recharged over the weekend. It feels like such a luxury to ME to have a stay at home spouse.” (Brusie’s emphasis).

Brusie says was “flabbergasted” that anyone would think that.  For a split second, so was I.  Why would anyone consider having a stay at home spouse a luxury? Despite it being well into the 2000s, there is still an undercurrent of disdain for moms who work in the home.  I know that I’m not alone in this feeling; I’ve talked with countless women who have turned themselves inside out in order to merit not having a 9 to 5.  Just last week, a friend from the gym was saying that she was girding herself against the inveitable lack of interest she was sure to experience when she went to a function for her husband’s job.  She, too, has been party to the  deflation of conversation that occurs when she remarks about how she’s a SAHM.  Never mind the fact that she did work in the past, works part time now, and is an all around amazing individual.

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost a decade and let me tell you, there is only a small part of that that involves “staying home” — that’s another topic for another day, though.  Like several of my friends, I have tried to justify my existence as such by taking on Herculean tasks inside and outside of the home just so when asked, “What do you do all day?”, I could rattle off any number of things:

I made gluten-free, peanut-free, dairy-free cupcakes for the student bake sale!

I hand addressed 150 envelopes for the PTA fundraiser!

I read the entire collection of Shel Silverstein Poems to the first grade and then taught them how to write sestinas!

I stitched Girls Scout badges onto sashes for the entire troop so that they’re ready in time for to deliver cookies that I ordered, sorted alphabetically by type and bagged up in hand crocheted delivery bags!

It was vital to me that other people knew I wasn’t lounging around, catching up on the early 2000 equivalent of #TGIT and eating Chex Mix.  Again, I was worshiping at the Idol of Busyness because I had something to prove. I had to have an answer when met with a question that is inherently designed to create tension. I nkow that “What do you do all day?” is a pretty beningn question, but raise your hand if you read “What do you do all day?” in your regular voice? Raise your hand if you read “What do you do all day?” in a more judgmental tone.  Right.

The Brusie article acknowledged that being at home was a luxury for her.  After some consideration, she  realized that being at home was a luxury for her husband.

When I’m in the weeds of daily life, wishing I had a clone, what I really want are words of affirmation — it’s one of my love languages (so is receiving gifts, are we surprised?).  I do my best to remind the Hubs that I’m thankful for him and this life we have created together.  I know that he does the same for me. Recognition that we are in this together, we’re both doing the best that we can and there’s no one else we’d rather be doing it with — that’s what I’m looking for.  It’s the acknowledgement that who I am to him and to our family is paramount.

I’m having a hard time with the word luxury. I hear that word and think crushed velvet, mink coats, high count thread sheets, and flossing my teeth with freshwater pearls.  It’s a state of extravagance.  Having a second home is a luxury.  Having a cleaning lady is a luxury.  Having a spouse who is an exceptional partner and parent  who can  remove the worry, provide security in knowing that your children are well taken care of , and provide peace of mind in knowing that if there is an unexpected earache, forgotten bake sale items, and overdue library books, all of those knotted snafus will be untangled and laid straight — that’s not an extravagance, that’s blessing.

 

 

 

 

 

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IN: ON: October 16, 2014 TAGS: fall, life, motherhood, sharing, the things you just do, venting, writing BY: Hilary
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hair

Spinning Plates

Time is flying by and I don’t really think I’m having a whole lot of fun.

Truthfully, I’ve been running, running, running ever since we came back from vacation.  In August.  I can clearly recall when the calendar flipped to the last day of school for the 2013-2014 school year. The entire summer stretched out before us, peppered with camps, play-dates, day trips and vacation the golden ring to reach for that would wrap it all up.

Once we crossed the threshold from driving straight from Martha’s Vineyard to Virginia, the pace didn’t slow down an iota.  It maintained and gradually picked up speed as we skipped from M’s birthday celebration to 4th grade orienation, followed by 1st grade orientation followed by pre-school orientation.  Then it was the first day of school.  Next was class picture day and back to school night and calendar meetings!  My planner was bursting with reminder notices and in an attempt to sync my iCal with my iPhone and my iPad, I got iMessage from Siri saying “I quit”. Even with three calendars a slew of reminders and post-its dotting my door frames, I constantly feel like I’m a pace behind.  I’m trying to work in the in between times of school, activities, and my responsibilities to others. I’m looking forward down time with the kids, but I also have to get groceries, wash hair (times 3), mail out copies of “Maggie Sinclair”, and attend to the multiple pieces of minutiae that life has liberally sprinkled over me.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not a pity party nor a raging rant.  I know I am not the first, nor the last, nor the only person to have responsibilities or wear a variety of hats.  I haven’t, as the father of a high school friend used to say, “forgotten to count”.  I’ve got so many blessings and good things going in my life, when I stop to think about it, I’m embarrassed for feeling overwhelmed by a situation of my own creation.

Many years ago, I attended a church service as a guest of woman I had met through a Kindermusik class.  I grew up Episcopalian. I went to a Catholic high school. I had a period where I wasn’t sure I wanted to participate in church because I felt like a hypocrite for reciting words that didn’t hold meaning for me. I wanted to understand what I was saying and why, not just reading from the BCP because it said to in my leaflet.   This was a journey that I had been on for a while, getting to this place where I am comfortable with church and my beliefs.  While I was going through it, though, I found myself being invited to church by a variety of different people. At the time, I viewed my beliefs as very private, especially since I was still working them out for myself.  When the latest invitation was issued, I felt God was practically knocking me on the head like, “Hey, I’m just going to keep inviting you until you accept!” —  so I went.  It was a Presbyterian church, a first for me, and more casual than the traditional high holy services I’d grown up with.  What I remember most about that service was section of the sermon given by the pastor, imploring us not to worship at the altar of the Idol of Busyness.  He went on to discuss how we measure our value or our success by how busy we are.  We take pleasure in not being able to participate in certain things because Look at all of these other things that I’ve committed to do already! I’m so busy!

Close to 10 years later, I still think of this message when I find myself at that altar of busyness.  When I’m whirling like a dervish over everything that needs to get done, everything I want to do and everything that I have to do, I need to step back.  To all outside appearances, I’ve got all the plates in the air, spinning in sync, and I’m reaching for some chainsaws to toss in the mix.

via

In truth, I want to yell “Don’t look at the lady behind the curtain!” That’s where the real me is, pulling levers, flipping switches and wiping sweat from my brow.  There are days when I feel like I’ve done nothing productive, nothing worthwhile, nothing that shows exactly how I’ve spent my day. Case in point, V has started preschool two days a week.  I had a list straining with the weight of things I was going to do with those precious hours.  Then I cracked my tooth.  Then the dentist decided I need to have a re-treatment on a root canal.  And that took multiple appointments and so much Novocain that my blinking is on a three second delay. So, I have spent virtually every available Tuesday or Thursday that she has been in preschool in the dentist chair, lamenting that I haven’t done anything and feeling like I’ve failed.  But failed who? Failed at what?  Who is setting up this unreachable bar of expectations?

Me.

So, I’m working on changing my thinking.  When I begin to feel like I’m so busy, that parenting and adulthood have turned me into a 2014 version of Sisyphus, I take a step back and start ticking off the ways in which I was winning at my life:

I’m alive.

I’m healthy.

So are my husband, my kids, my parents, my family and friends.

I’m working on projects that are exciting and I get to things that I enjoy.

I’m in an enviable position that I need to celebrate instead of wasting time worrying about achieving some arbitrary notion of productivity of my own ridiculous construct.  I’m giving myself permission to let the plates spin a little more slowly or maybe even take a few plates down.

Which of your spinning plates would you like to take down, if only for a little while?

 

 

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IN: hair ON: October 1, 2014 TAGS: fall, life, Odds and Ends, sharing, venting BY: Hilary
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hair

#makingfriendswithmaggie

Several weeks ago, I read a post on Facebook that came from a natural hair board to which I belong.  The author of the post was asking other group participants to leave some kind words for a young curly cutie who had been subjected to some hurtful comments from other school kids because she had been wearing her naturally beautiful ‘fro.

From the message board:
“My little sweetheart, Boom (the pretty girl in the pic) has been rocking her natural beautiful ‘fro to the first grade and of course, kids will be kids and some have said some unkind things about her glorious crown. Her mom is working hard everyday to remind her how wonderful she looks but will you please leave a comment to encourage her to rock her beautiful mane?! Her mom will read each one to her tonight before bed. Thank you!!”

photo courtesy of C.J. Davis

I had an extremely strong reaction to this post. I ached for what that little curly cutie must have been feeling. Despite being a grown woman, I can recall quite easily what it was like to be the recipient of questions and unwanted attention because was my hair was different from my classmates.  Keep in mind, this was a time before being natural was as prevalent as it is now.  The comments and questions directed at me sprouted up whenever I changed my hairstyle (Braids one day! Ponytails the next! How does she do it?!) or when the humidity in the air snapped my ponytails into huge poofs (What happened to your hair?! and Your hair looks like a cotton ball!).  My mother would tell me things like, “People are afraid of what they don’t understand,” and “They say hurtful things because they are jealous. They are envious of what you have.”  At the time, it was little consolation, but now, I can appreciate how my mother did the best she could to assuage my feelings.

Now that I’m a mother, I think about how I would react if one of my girls were experiencing a similar situation. Believe me, the immediate response involved making sure elbows found soft spots on a big mouth’s body.  No, not really. . .but I did get very Mama Bear for a split second before coming up with possible strategies that my girls could employ if they did come home with tales of “So-and-so said such-and-such about my hair!”  The Hubs and I spend lots of time, consciously and unconsciously, building up our girls in all areas so that they never doubt how wonderful they are.  I irritates me to no end how despite our love and messages of positivity, one wayward comment from a passing acquaintance can unravel the threads of our work.  I’d like to believe that with every kind word we provide our children, we inoculate them just a bit more against low self-esteem so that eventually, any unpleasant comments bounce right off, never finding purchase.

I don’t know Boom’s mother, but I’m sure she cycled through various emotions of outrage and indignation before settling on ways to help her daughter.    I was encouraged by how thoughtfully her mother worked to ensure that Boom knew that she was beautiful. Taking to social media to enlist the help of other naturalistas was a great idea.    I was filled with hope as I read comment after comment lifting up this little girl.  The last time I checked, there were over 162 likes and over 125 comments, and they keep coming.

After I had read through the comments, it occurred to me that this is not the first time that I have heard of a little girl being teased, ridiculed, shamed, or even suspended from school over her hair. After seeing C wearing her Bantu Knots one day, a friend of mine replicated the style for her daughter.  The daughter, a middle-schooler, came home after wearing her knots, saying she was was going to take her hair down because the kids at school had said her hair looked like . . .well, I’m not even going to give power what was said.  Suffice it to say, it was enough to have her want to change her hairstyle immediately.  When I talked to my friend about it, we both said how by unraveling the knots, she was giving power to her tormentor.  Of course, being at the precarious middle school age, nothing a parent or a well meaning adult is going to hold sway over the system that is tween-dom.  So, she took her hair down.

There were at least two other news articles in the recent months where young curly cuties were asked to 1) change their hairstyles or 2) suspended from school for not conforming to school dress codes for having “unkempt hair” (i.e. naturals).  Both of those instances are discussions for other posts, I’m sure.  I bring it up to say, though, situations like those mentioned above, situations like Boom’s, situations that I’m sure my own children will face at some point in their lives — this is why I wrote “Maggie Sinclair”.  It’s more than just a picture book. It’s more than just a story about a girl and her grandmother. It’s a lesson in positivity so that children of color can have good examples relating to their hair, bodies, and abilities. It is crucial that they are taught to love themselves and the hair that grows out of their head.  In so doing, they can learn to love and celebrate their uniqueness and the uniqueness of others.

I asked to be put in touch with Boom so that I could send her a copy of  “Maggie Sinclair, Will You Please Fix Your Hair?” as a gift.  I wanted Boom to  have a touchstone that will remind her to continue to love, love, love herself and that gorgeous curly crown.  Judging by this photo, I think she’s most certainly will.

boom

photo courtesy of C.J. Davis

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IN: hair ON: September 10, 2014 TAGS: hair, honesty, sharing, venting BY: Hilary
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