I honestly don’t know what to make of this. So, over the week-end, the Hubs and I took the girls to a birthday party. We were greeted by the birthday girls’ mom and shown into the main part of the house where a number of the activities were going on. As we walked in, our hostess mentioned that a mutual friend of ours was here. We hadn’t seen this person in a while and as we approached, she opened her arms to give me a hug. As she did so, she exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, look at you! You’re so skinny, you whore!” and then she flashed me a giant mega-watt smile.
The Hubs had been waylaid into a conversation with the birthday girl’s grandfather and simulatneously trying to keep Vivi from gouging out the old man’s eyeballs. He says given those circumstances, he didn’t hear our friend say that, even though he was standing right at my elbow.
I heard it for damn sure, and was thoroughly taken aback because, I’ve never been called “whore” before, in all seriousness or in jest. I was stunned that she said that, especially after having been called a “skinny bitch” just a few weeks ago. I mean, I know I’ve been amping up my work-outs, but I didn’t think it warrants this kind of feedback! It was surprising and off-putting, coupled with the fact that she followed it up with a big ass smile. The smile was the gesticular eqvuivalent of saying “Bless your heart”. It’s a Southern mannerism, saying “bless your heart” whereby you can get away with saying some downright nasty things about someone so long as you add that key phrase somewhere in the mix (i.e. Oh, Mary Sue’s little girl looks like she hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree, bless her heart!).
I had done quite a bit of reading recently about Mommy Wars and the ways in which we as women pull eachother down, crabs in a bucket style. Why do we think we’re doing eachother a favor by complimenting one another in such a backhanded fashion? It’s so two-faced and back stabby. Personally, I’d rather you just keep it to yourself. I appreciate someone complimenting me on how I look; that’s nice, but let me have the compliment in it’s entirety. Don’t tell me I look good, and then diffuse or downplay the good feeling I’m bound to get by calling me a whore as a followup. The take away of the exchange is not that it’s good to see me, or even that I look skinny (thank you very much), but that I’m a whore (for looking skinny in comparison to you).
Think of it from this perspective. What if I was naturally a Rachel Zoe or Nicole Richie size? Then, the next time you saw me, I was looking healthy, more Christina Hendricks-esque. I don’t think anyone would say, “Oh my God! Look at you! You’re so curvy, you whore!”
Sounds ridiculous, right? So don’t do it.
I guess it goes back to my expectations of other people. I don’t behave in a certain way and I expect other people to behave the way I do. It’s not that difficult. I’m not Mother Teresa or Ghandi, so I think my behaviors are pretty attainable. I mean, if you boil it down, it’s all about the golden rule. If someone looks good, then I’ll tell them so and leave it at that. I don’t need to undercut the positivity. I have a problem with using “bitch”, “whore”, “skank” or even “cunt in jest. Whore is kind of strong, you know? And yes, I understand about reclaiming the word to take the explosiveness out of it, but I’m not buying that. I’m hard pressed to think of an example where dudes do this to one another. I mean you might know of some guy that is always calling someone a “douchebag” or a “ball sack” or whatever guys call eachother, but it’s never in the context that women choose to express themselves.
I’ve never heard a guy compliment a guy on the way he looks, so maybe right there lies the difference. But even still, imagine two male contestants on Top Chef complimenting eachother.
Hey Joel, that chilean sea bass with bacon foam was delicious, you douche-bag!
C’mon, Michael! Your roasted corn and saffron sea scallops were righteous, you f-cking nut sack!
I kind of laughed a little to myself just then because it sounds SO outrageous!
Going back to the mommy war part of it, I think it’s no longer the mothers who work outside of the home versus the mothers who work inside the home. It’s now the stay at home moms versus other stay at home mom’s. It’s about the mom’s competing against one another about who’s taken the most Pilates and barre classes. Who spends the most time in the gym, who gives their kids the most unique, non-traditional, gender neutral name, and has the most pairs of Tory Burch shoes. All of the things that make these women caricatures are being held up as some kind of brass ring to strive for and yet, I don’t remember signing up for that contest. Hell, I didn’t even know there was a contest. I’m not trying to be about that.
It’s hard enough being a woman,
and a wife,
and a mother.
It can be very lonely and isolating. When I make friends, I don’ t want the kind that call me a whore because they think we’re in competition for some grand prize. I’m not competing against you or anyone else. I’m just trying to get to the end of the day. . .
. . .and keep the top button of my pants buttoned.