A few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend of mine about how we have replaced the phrase “Excuse me,” with the phrase “I’m Sorry”. It seems that in our day to day doings, whenever we’ve needed to catch someone’s attention, perhaps interrupt two people having a conversation, or possibly just trying to get out of someone’s way, we’ve been saying “I’m sorry,” as opposed to “excuse me” or “pardon me”. Somehow, for reasons that she and I were both unable to put our finger on, we’ve been diminishing ourselves. Taking it one step further, I realized that I have actually been folding in on myself as I say, “I’m sorry”, especially when doing to that awkward stranger dance the ensues when you’re trying to get out of someone’s way.
“Seriously,” I began explaining it to her. “At the gym, the ingress and egress to the ladies locker room is series of short turns like you’d find queuing up for the movies or something. Instead of ropes, though, there are walls, so you can’t see if someone is coming around the corner. No matter if you’re coming in or going out, in all likelihood, you’re going to collide with someone.”
In these instances, laden with my gym bag, moving at a good clip to get a swim lane or a spot in Zumba, I’ve plowed into some women, some my age, most of them elderly. My subconscious started directing my body to take up less space as these instances increased. I would step into the entrance of the locker room, and if by chance was met with someone coming out, my shoulders would round in, my head would dip down, and my hands would seek each other out. I’d cough out an “I’m sorry” as I made my way past. If I was on my way out and someone way motoring in, the same thing happened. Why was I doing that? What was I sorry for? I’m trying to exercise just like everyone else. I didn’t knock anyone down in a race to a locker.
My friend suggested that as Black women living in the south, we feel the need to apologize for our existence, whether we believe we should or not. That’s a loaded statement right there, and one that I don’t have the time or space to expand upon. Suffice it to say; race is not the issue. Being overly gracious is the issue. The truth is, being excessively deferential is not the same thing as being polite.
The more we talked about it, the more we resolved to break ourselves of the habit. The next time I went to the gym, I slowed my pace as I approached the locker room. I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, adjusted my gym bag and walked in. Sure enough, someone was coming out. I looked her in the eye and said, “Excuse me,” then entered the locker room proper.
Earlier this week, I came across a Huffington Post article entitled “Pantene ‘Not Sorry’ Video Tells Women to Stop Apologizing So Much”. Through a series of short vignettes, the hair care company implores women to stop saying sorry for things that they shouldn’t. I watched the video and thought, “This is exactly what we had been talking about!” It should come as no surprise that women apologize more than men. What is surprising is the reasons why women do it. The article went on further to cite a March 2014 blog post written by Ani Vrabel, who said,
“At some point, I began using “sorry” as a synonym for “excuse me.” It came to mean, “I didn’t see you there and you startled me!” and “I have a question” and “I’m carrying so many things that I’m taking up more space on the subway than usual.” It rarely meant, “I made a poor decision or did something wrong and it impacted you negatively. I recognize this and feel bad about it and would like to make things better between us.”
Further on in the article, Karyn Polewaczyk’s piece from Jezebel suggested ”women over-apologize because they feel “undeserving.” Women preface their request and statements with self deprecating phrases like “I’m sorry,” “I hate to be a pain, “ and “This may sound foolish,” because they don’t feel like what they have to say is important. Many times, women feel that in order to be better received, that must sugar coat what they have to say. Think about the myriad of examples in the media depicting a man and a woman asking for a raise or making a suggestion or firing someone. If a man does it, he’s confident whereas if a woman says it, she’s a bitch. And we wonder why we’re apologizing.
Now, no one started a slow clap for me as I walked in the locker room that day. (Well, I did just in my head, but no one else heard it). Still, it was the beginning of a much-needed change. I started putting it into practice, not just at the gym, but also in areas where I’d apologize for no valid reason. Instead of telling the clerk at Chipotle, “Sorry, can I have fajita vegetables” after I told her and she forgot, I just said, “Excuse me, could you please add the fajitas?” When I made the clerk at Gap help me scour the store AND call the last store I had been to in hopes of finding my lost handbag (don’t worry, we found it), I didn’t say, “Sorry for being such a crazy person! Sorry for taking up your time!” I said, “Thank you very much for your help. I really appreciate it.”
By breaking this habit, I’ve empowered myself. I’ve challenged myself to speak freely. I was giving away my power by leading off statements with “Sorry” and now; I’ve taken it back and then some.