I don’t consider myself a private person or a prude person, but I do like my personal space when it comes to taking care of my post-workout cleanliness routine.

I go to the Downtown to workout about 3 or 4 times a week. Aside from the bulging diaper bag, I’ve got my gym bag with my toilteries, my clothes, my shoes, and various other beautification aides. So, I go work out, grab my towels and head to the locker room. I find a locker, drop my stuff and hit the shower.

Problem #1 — The communal shower is set up so that there are two private stall showers on either side of the entrance, and then 4 shower heads set into the wall on either side of the larger shower room. I don’t mind the communal shower. I mean, we’ve all got the same parts, some people’s parts have just become on more intimate terms with gravity, graying and such. No big deal. More often than not, I come at a time where there is either one or no other person in the shower. Usually, I’m in there by myself. I’m not dancing around like Tom Cruise in Risky Busienss, but the being by myself is nice. I fire up my shower, arrange my towels and body sponge and stand under the stream. I hear the door open and shut, some one else is coming in. When I turn around and open my eyes, I’m knee to knee with another woman. Hello! Let’s check the scene:

Two shower stalls — empty
4 shower heads on one wall — empty
4 shower heads on other wall – I’m using one on the far left, there is a woman next to me, and then there are two EMPTY shower heads next to her.

WTH? Why are you all up on me? There are 8 other empty spaces for you to rinse your biscuits under!! Back it up. Without fail this happens and I’ve noticed, it doesn’t matter who the woman is. Someone inevitably wants to be my neighbor. Even when there is someone else in the shower, say on the opposite side of the room, the third party gravitates towards me.

Look, I came to the gym to work out and take a shower in peace. I get an audience when I go to the bathroom at home.

Problem #2 — So, I get out of the shower, head to my locker. The locker I’ve chosen now looks like one of those bug zappers with women in various states on undress circling around it. Mind you, there are dozens of other lockers, benches and areas of free space available. The women then engage in this awkward conversation of feigned politeness. I’ll translate this for you as I go.

“Oh, am I in your way?” Look heffa, I just sat down and got out all of my stuff.

“Oh, no not at all. You’re fine.” Um, yeah you’re in my way! Don’t you see that lock in front of you? That means someone is using that locker. ME!

“I can move. I’m almost done.” I’m naked, my hair is wrapped in a towel and I just started to dial my girlfriend on my cell phone. I haven’t even begun to get it together.

“Don’t worry about it. Please, really, you’re fine.” Why are you even going to try that line? I can see that you’re naked, your hair is wrapped in a towel and you’ve got your cell phone out, probably about to call your friend and talk really loudly about things that don’t matter to anyone but you.

*sigh* I just wanted to get my heart rate up, not my blood pressure.